I have never really been very good at making friends. I am
prickly and sullen and presume that people find me abrasive and annoying when I
first meet them. I have never been comfortable in big groups, even when I know
the people there, and have never enjoyed socialising in the same way as others
I have known. I give off a strange first impression- one that does not usually
tally with who I am once you get to know me, which I think is a result of
social awkwardness and a juxtaposed need to please people, or purposely seek
their disapproval. I was not popular at school, am an only child used to my own
company, grew up as an expat in a small village, enjoyed solo pursuits such as
reading and playing the piano to my cat and generally kept my self to my self
in most things. I have moved from place to place giving me a perfect excuse for
not having the gaggle of friends from school or college that most people do and
I am fiercely close to my family, regardless of our lack of numbers and
counterparts my own age. I have never been a lonely person, enjoying the
company of others when it suites me and being perfectly happy spending the
majority of my time alone.
However, despite my efforts and determination to be
friendless, a few gems have forced their way through, into my bubble and into
my heart. I do not have big gangs of friends who used to hang out together as
kids or a community of peers who have liked and respected me all my life. I am
a person who has few true friends, but those I do have make me feel like the
luckiest, most blessed person in the world. I seem to succeed in securing a
friend or two from each moment in my life, most of who will never meet one
another or have occasion to share with one another their impressions of me, and
yet have supported me through both the hardest and most joyous occasions of my
life. If you are reading this and wondering if you are amongst this motley crew
then please think no further- if you are even asking that question then you
probably are, for I fail miserably in interactions with ‘acquaintances’ and am
actually frightened of most people my own age.
Although I have managed to maintain a handful of
relationships from my island, which are refreshed and renewed on my bi-annual
visits home, there is only one person who I can, hand on heart, say has known
me all my life and is still by my side. Hollie Cassar might as well be my
sister. She has two sisters of her own so perhaps she would disagree with this,
but in a life of constant movement and change, with the exception of my family,
Hollie is unique in her constancy in my life. When we were younger we were
forced together by our families and we raged against it for most of our
childhood, but in adulthood fate brought us together again and she has become
my most forgiving and fierce ally. We happened to live together at a time when
I failed myself greatly and became a person I barely recognised. I could not
stand my own company and looking in the mirror actually hurt, Hollie stood by
me through my self-destruction and then, when I was done, she picked up all the
broken pieces and put me back together again with no judgement, no hesitation,
no question. For this and so much more I love her in a way no-one will ever
understand.
Fate has smiled on me in my friendships for although not
numerous they are strong and remarkable- each in it’s own way. I have been
fortunate enough to make friends with people who I grow to love, but who I have
always respected and admired. Through life on the island and 6th
form in London to Cambodia and University and beyond and even within my own,
wonderfully eccentric, family, I have managed to forge relationships with
people who motivate and inspire me every single day. Another quality that most
of my friendships share is that I seem to create the most unlikely of couplings-
I am spiritually tied to several people to who I could not be more different
and whose regard for me is a surprise to others. Be it differences based on age,
culture, personality or interests, politics or theology I have friends as
diverse as the world itself and I am pleased to say that I have grown on people
who initially did not hold me in particularly high regard.
I have missed my friends while I have been away in Madagascar,
and this has prompted me to indulge in a little self-reflection. I have always
considered myself quite hard to like, difficult to get to know and I have never
been part of a big group of friends, so it has been easy for me to see myself
as a loner but the only person I am lying to on this score is myself. I am
surrounded, all over the world, not by gaggles of semi-friends and associations
of convenience, but by a small group of individuals who shine like golden
beacons in my life. I have friends who would quite literally fly half way round
the world to help me and share experiences with me, who continue to keep me in
mind, even when I am far far out of sight and who consider the challenges and
inconsistencies in my personality to be quirks and endearing follies rather
than the cavernous failings and disappointments I see in myself.
There are no people in all the world for whom I have higher
regard than my friends, no heroes I admire more than those I have the privilege
of calling my comrades. People whose work, attitudes, convictions and strength
of spirit I aspire to in every decision that I make and who have lifted me up
through their own achievements and examples to become the person I am. Every
single one of these people has changed and shaped who I am and the things I
have done and without each of them I would be a lesser person.
So, to those of you who have shared my life with me, who
have filled my heart and my head, who have been brave enough to challenge me
and gracious enough to be challenged by me, to all who have shared memories of
experiences both incredible and mundane, I thank you.
I thank you for keeping me company as I have grown, for
eating the endless food I cook when nervous, for picking me up off the floor of
dust roads in distant lands, lecture theatres, hospital rooms and the occasional
nightclub. Thank you for indulging my childishness and visiting farms and zoos
with me and for allowing me to go overboard on every celebration. Thank you for
watching films with me and drinking tea with me and talking with me through
many days and nights.
Thank you for giving me second chances and for allowing me
to come back to you after long absences. Thank you for looking past my age or
my politics or my nervous disposition and choosing to stand by me anyway. Thank
you for judging me less harshly than I judge myself, for sharing with me your
wisdom and light and, often and most gloriously, your families and homes. Thank
you for knowing me and loving me anyway, for constantly surprising me with your
kindness and for keeping me in your thoughts when I melt away into new lives.
Thank you for accepting my foibles and those of my family.
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